How often do you compare yourself to others? Other people close to you? Other actors? If you’re like most people, probably pretty often. You may not feel disappointed when Meryl Streep wins another award, but if your scene partner suddenly lands a national commercial, you might have feelings of failure—but you’re not alone! We’ve all felt that way at one time or another. And that’s because we feel deeper despair over the situations that we can relate to our own.
A psychological study in 2010 discovered that money actually can buy happiness, but only so much as you’re making more than your friends. It seems that while humans are hardwired for community, we’re also innately competitive. And Americans, with our cultural emphasis on individualism, are particularly keen to one up one another.
However, chronic “compare and despair” can lead to lower self confidence, depression, isolation, and loneliness. Plus, it stifles your creativity by keeping you focused on the wrong results. So, I have put together some guidelines to help you kick this nasty (but natural) habit.
1) Remember, Things Aren’t Always What They Seem
How many times have you seen an amazing performance from a relatively unknown actor, and the media calls them an “overnight success”? But when you take a closer look at their IMDb, you realize said actor has been working on their craft for decades.
For example, Matt Damon and Ben Affleck were 27 and 25 years old when they won the Golden Globe and Oscar for Best Screenplay for Good Will Hunting. During a 2015 appearance on The Graham Norton Show, Norton comments how young they looked beaming with their awards. Damon explained he’d actually earned his union card over a decade earlier, and how he went home with the award realizing, while amazing, no award can fulfill you.
Plus, their writing process was so long and arduous, it almost killed their writing partnership. In fact, they only just recently wrote together again, 25 years later. So while from the outside, it looked like a fantastic moment (and it was), it didn’t mean life was suddenly better or easier.
2) Focus On Your Values
Compare and despair syndrome compromises our unique values by convincing us we need to change who we are to be more like who we think we should be. It tricks us into thinking that if we were just different, more pleasing to society, then we’ll be successful. And if we have to sacrifice what’s important to us to get there, it’ll be worth it.
But instead of turning your back on your values, bring them into the spotlight. If the root of comparison is envy, I challenge you to examine further what is underneath that emotion. What aspirations or accomplishments does the object of your envy possess that you value too? How can you bring more of that into your life right now?
Just remember, it’s not about copying them, or recreating their exact path, because everyone’s journey is unique.
3) Embrace Your Unique Path (As Only You Can)
This career path is not linear. There will be ups and downs. And what if you reach your goals? Would you be content having lived someone else’s life in an effort to “make it big”?
No, of course not!
You just need to believe to your core that you are exactly where you are supposed to be.
Take a look at actor Paul Raci’s journey. The 73 year old had been a working actor for almost 40 years, making guest appearances on TV shows and a few films. But then he booked the lead role of Joe, the deaf mentor to the main character in 2020’s Sound of Metal.
Having been raised by deaf parents and fluent in American Sign Language (ASL), Raci was picked over high-profile actors because of his upbringing. Not some picture-perfect, glossy version of what a leading man’s life should look like, just his authentic experiences, true to only him.
And he received so much praise for his wonderful performance, won an Independent Spirit Award for Best Supporting Male (among others) and BAFTA and Academy Award nominations for Best Supporting Actor.
4) Do Something for Others Every Day
I’ve said it before: when we help others, we give ourselves a gift too. Connecting with someone in need, selflessly volunteering our time, energy and insight, makes us feel better. It gets us out of our own thoughts and offers us a sense of purpose. And we can often see the fruits of our labor in the smiles and gratitude of others.
So get involved in your favorite charity. Hold the door open for a stranger. Let a car in on the freeway. Send a hand-written note of appreciation to a friend. There are so many ways you can lift someone’s spirits and make a difference.
5) Look In The Mirror
Finally, if you’re struggling to give up comparison for good, try a change of subject. Instead of focusing on other people, compare yourself to the person you were one year ago (or farther back, if you prefer).
In what ways have you grown as an actor and a human being? Take an inventory of all your wins, big and small, personal and profession. What new skills have you acquired?
And if times were tough and results were sparse, did you learn any valuable lessons? Explore what you can do to get back on track and create new intentions for the next 12 months. If you need a template for this planning process, check out my year-end review (you can do it anytime, not just in December!)
Do you struggle with “compare and despair”? How do you shift your attention back to your unique path? Let me know in the comments below!
LOVE + joy!
I suffer from chronic “compare and despair” and it’s lead to me to my low self confidence/esteem, depression, isolation, and loneliness. Plus, it’s stifled my creativity by keeping me focused on the wrong results. It’s torture everyday and it makes no sense. One day I’d like to work with you Moniqua. You seem to be the Real-Deal. No bullsh*t. That’s what I need. Thanks for posting this. It’s a keeper!
I’m always here if you have questions or support! Since the pandemic especially, so many people I know, myself included, have suffered from isolation and loneliness. Please know you are not alone! And thank you for such kind words. I’m so glad my content is helpful to you 🙂